Culture

Opinion: Top Ten Commuter Crimes


COMMUTERS ON A FULL SOUTHEASTERN PENNSYLVANIA TRANSPORTATION AUTHORITY (SEPTA) TRAIN AS IT HEADS FOR DOWNTOWN... - NARA - 556780.jpg By Jim Pickerell, Photographer (NARA record: 4588217) (U.S. National Archives and Records Administration) [Public domain], via Wikimedia CommonsOh yes, I’ve got a little list. The Brighton – Wimbledon morning commute has thrown up ten classic hates that I think we can all relate to.

In no particular order:

  • Lunatic luggage wielders – enormous indiscriminately violent backpack bludgeoners and pilots of gigantic suitcases the size of a wardrobe … Get off! Spend two hours in a cafe, then you may resume your journey. And pack properly next time.

  • Music inflictors – leaking headphones, especially obnoxious rap … Read the stares. They’re saying turn it down or at least tune to Classic FM.
  • Germ peddlers – coughing, sneezing, and weapons grade SNIFFING. All right-thinking commuters should be armed with a packet of Handy Andies and be able to proffer the solution with a Mary Poppins flourish.
  • Personal space invaders – yes, we are all crammed in, but please practice the contortions needed to artfully arrange yourself to cause the least possible offence.
  • Work/life fails – think bringing frightened babies, children or dogs onto rush hour trains is a good idea? No. It isn’t. It’s no place for anyone remotely likely to scream, vomit or bite.
  • Stealth bicycle deployers – those little folding monstrosities you can’t spot lurking in the corner until you’ve tripped over it, it’s scraped your shin and covered your work outfit in oil. Decide. Are you a cyclist or a passenger?
  • Over-sharers – undignified phone conversations at full volume that treat us to details of your latest operation, bedroom exploit or live-feed row. At least give a ‘previously in my life’ intro first, so we’re all up to speed. It can be a nightmare trying to pick up mid-story.
  • Aisle seat squatters – those who will not move up a seat and force others to clamber over into the space between two. So sorry – was that your foot?
  • Entitled narks – First class passengers who glare at or even shop people for daring to sit down in these conditions. Yes we know you’ve spent the price of a small house on a normal seat with a hanky saying First Class on the back, but you need to stop – it only encourages them to think it’s OK to run trains that are cattle trucks one end and half empty the other.
  • Passive aggressive critics – those who sneer and tut at perfectly nice people who are just trying to get through the commute from hell … ah.

PH

Image credit: COMMUTERS ON A FULL SOUTHEASTERN PENNSYLVANIA TRANSPORTATION AUTHORITY (SEPTA) TRAIN AS IT HEADS FOR DOWNTOWN… – NARA – 556780.jpg By Jim Pickerell, Photographer (NARA record: 4588217) (U.S. National Archives and Records Administration) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

About Philippa Hammond

Speaking Well In Public offers a portfolio of public speaking courses for business, performance and social occasions designed and developed by Philippa Hammond, combining her skills and techniques as an award-winning trainer, working actor and voice artist. Philippa is a member of Equity and the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development.

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