In no particular order:
- Lunatic luggage wielders – enormous indiscriminately violent backpack bludgeoners and pilots of gigantic suitcases the size of a wardrobe … Get off! Spend two hours in a cafe, then you may resume your journey. And pack properly next time.
- Music inflictors – leaking headphones, especially obnoxious rap … Read the stares. They’re saying turn it down or at least tune to Classic FM.
- Germ peddlers – coughing, sneezing, and weapons grade SNIFFING. All right-thinking commuters should be armed with a packet of Handy Andies and be able to proffer the solution with a Mary Poppins flourish.
- Personal space invaders – yes, we are all crammed in, but please practice the contortions needed to artfully arrange yourself to cause the least possible offence.
- Work/life fails – think bringing frightened babies, children or dogs onto rush hour trains is a good idea? No. It isn’t. It’s no place for anyone remotely likely to scream, vomit or bite.
- Stealth bicycle deployers – those little folding monstrosities you can’t spot lurking in the corner until you’ve tripped over it, it’s scraped your shin and covered your work outfit in oil. Decide. Are you a cyclist or a passenger?
- Over-sharers – undignified phone conversations at full volume that treat us to details of your latest operation, bedroom exploit or live-feed row. At least give a ‘previously in my life’ intro first, so we’re all up to speed. It can be a nightmare trying to pick up mid-story.
- Aisle seat squatters – those who will not move up a seat and force others to clamber over into the space between two. So sorry – was that your foot?
- Entitled narks – First class passengers who glare at or even shop people for daring to sit down in these conditions. Yes we know you’ve spent the price of a small house on a normal seat with a hanky saying First Class on the back, but you need to stop – it only encourages them to think it’s OK to run trains that are cattle trucks one end and half empty the other.
- Passive aggressive critics – those who sneer and tut at perfectly nice people who are just trying to get through the commute from hell … ah.
Image credit: COMMUTERS ON A FULL SOUTHEASTERN PENNSYLVANIA TRANSPORTATION AUTHORITY (SEPTA) TRAIN AS IT HEADS FOR DOWNTOWN… – NARA – 556780.jpg By Jim Pickerell, Photographer (NARA record: 4588217) (U.S. National Archives and Records Administration) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons